Opvoedkundige Artikel

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN

From: Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN. 2005. Northfield Publishing. Chicago

Filling the emotional tank

By speaking your child’s own love language, you can fill his “emotional tank” with love. When your child feels loved, he is much easier to discipline and train than when his “emotional tank” is running near empty.

Every child has an emotional tank, a place of emotional strength that can fuel him through the challenging days of childhood and adolescence. Just as cars are powered by reserves in the gas tank, our children are fuelled from their emotional tanks. We must fill our children’s emotional tanks for them to operate as they should and reach their potential.

But with what do we fill these tanks? We need to fill our children’s emotional tanks with unconditional love, because real love is always unconditional. Unconditional love is a full love that accepts and affirms a child for who he/she is, not for what he/she does.

Of course, it is necessary to train and/or discipline our children – but only after their emotional tanks have been filled. Those tanks can be filled with only one premium fuel: unconditional love.

The five love languages of children

Love language #1: Physical Touch

Samantha is a fifth-grader whose family recently moved to a new community. “It’s been hard this year, moving and having to make new friends. Back at my school, I knew everybody and they knew me.” When we asked if she ever felt as if her parents didn’t love her because they took her away from her old school and town, Samantha said, ”Oh no, I never felt they did this on purpose. I know they love me, because they always give me lots of extra hugs and kisses. I wish we hadn’t had to move, but I know Daddy’s job is important.”

Samantha’s love language is physical touch; those touches tell her Mom and Dad love her. Hugs and kisses are the most common way of speaking this love language, but there are other ways, too. A dad tosses his year-old son in the air. He spins his seven-year old daughter round and round, and she laughs wildly. A mom reads a story with her three-year old on her lap.

Such touching activities happen between parents and children, but not as often as you think. Studies indicate that many parents touch their children only when it is necessary: when they are dressing or undressing them, putting them in the car or carrying them to bed.

Physical touch is the easiest love language to use unconditionally, because parents need no special occasion or excuse to make physical contact.

In recent years, many research studies have come to the same conclusion: Babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.

When your child begins school, he/she still has a desperate need for physical touch. A hug given as he/she leaves each morning may be the difference between emotional security and insecurity throughout the day. Children are facing new experiences at school each day and they feel both positive and negative emotions toward teachers and peers. Therefore, home should be a haven, the place where love is secure.

Love language #2: Words of Affirmation

Does my father love me? Yes, because when I play ball, he always cheers, and after the game he tells me, “Thanks for playing hard.” He says that the main thing is not to win but to do my best. Philip, age fourteen, continued. “Sometimes I make mistakes, but he tells me not to worry. He says I’ll do better if I keep on doing my best.”

In communicating love, words are powerful. Words of affection and endearment, words of praise and encouragement, words that give positive guidance all say, “I care about you.” Such words are like a gentle, warm rain falling on the soul; they nurture the child’s inner sense of worth and security. A child reaps the benefits of affirming words for a lifetime.

Children also need guidance. All children are guided by someone. If you as their parents are not their primary guides, then other influences and individuals assume that role – school, television, other adults or children who are getting their guidance from someone else. Ask yourself this question: Are my children receiving positive and loving guidance? Loving guidance always has a child’s best interests in mind.